How I got my Roar Back (part one)

So I’ve gotten my authentic roar back.  Spirit/genius woke me up super early to share about the bumpy growth ride to get here and she wants to make certain that I can still write. 

This summer I’ve been a loud tigress a couple of times as an embodied choice.  I even scared myself it was so LOUD in my own head and being!  Now my Peaceful Parents in the crowd may cringe and worry about my ability to regulate but let me assure, I am actually functioning in a far more instinctual and embodied way.  I woke up this morning because I read something yesterday on a Peaceful Parenting post that made me restless.  It was about how kids raised in kindness without discipline show up bad.  The comment was made by a nanny who had a horrific time taking the kids she cared for out into the world.  There were all kinds of helpful comments about strategies and understanding that a child raised with peaceful internal strategies may show up badly to more authoritative onlookers as they are figuring things out and this takes more time than simply obeying out of fear.  Absolutely true said my internal voice and then the nanny said one child is aggressive and attacks other kids and the mother told her this is how he is working up and out his big feelings.  

All the Peaceful Parents in the room are now thinking uh oh… that’s not it and that certainly isn’t what I am doing…

In full truth, my own child was allowed to treat me badly occasionally for almost 2 solid years.  I thought I was showing him boundaries and clear communication through kind understanding as he was figuring out how to treat me, trying on ugly behaviors, discerning from an internal place how to treat those he loves. YES, AND I was also unconsciously allowing and processing the repetition of my own abuse trauma. As a younger one he was sweet and this never came to the surface.  I never allowed him to hit me or others but he would hurt his father physically.  Confusing for me was this type of roughhousing as I had no father play in my own life, I couldn’t help guide my spouse.  My child sometimes left marks on my husband’s body. The abuse recipient repetition was there for my partner too. Despite the many neuroregulatory benefits of rough play, trauma from his abusive past was echoing through as well. 

My kiddo wasn’t beating up strangers in the park.  These were nuanced leaks of the transgenerational trauma. Attacking outside of our family would have been obvious for us.  Instead, he was beating on us. I don’t share this to shame either myself, my partner nor my kiddo as we are so clearly a learning/healing/growing family.  No one has done any permanent damage and we get to clean up from where we slipped off track.  

I am motivated to share this growing awareness because it can help each of us who are dis-integrating cycles of abuse move more lovingly and with more freedom as we choose to parent differently.  If someone would have told me this stealthy part of my trauma was showing up a few years ago, I would have defended my child’s behavior and my chosen kindness parenting strategy to the death.  And I have defended a few of his behaviors over the past couple of years that were absolutely disrespectful.  I have developed the protect part of motherhood beautifully over the years, dis-integrating the lack of my own protection as a child…and now it follows, that I get to extend this protection towards myself.

These leaks of the past I am describing came to a head this spring while home hiking with a friend. She noticed the way my child was talking to me and reflected it back for me.  She leaned in with utter CARE and asked, “Is he ok? I’ve noticed a real change in him toward you.”  The way she loves me and the way I trust her as a mother had me listening and observing.  It was true.  I’m tired.  I’ve been alone so much. There were so many reasons that I had not reeled him in this year.  Devastatingly, the instinctual part of me that had once existed to protect myself was misfiring. In addition, for my partner the instinctual stand for the protection of mother was dangerous territory in his own home growing up and was certainly not modeled.  Trauma blocked him from the assist I needed.  It’s in these wobbly places where our painfully paired traumas with our partners line up that rough waters form.  Thanks to a year separated from our village combined with homeschooling, this year’s isolation has surfaced the leaks to where we could get ahold of them and begin to ask questions and then take them to a professionals for help. Without the support of our village, we could see ourselves more clearly through the unmistakable change in our child’s behaviors.

This necessary function of self protection was literally beaten from my body as a little child.  The compiling power of neglect from being partnered with someone in surgical training for so long had seduced me back into an older historical version of myself that relished the painful familiarity of neglect, the repetition of someone who should love me making no time for me.  Three fathers taught me that I was not worth their time.  The decade of neglect in my marriage had refreshed these ugly stories of my worthlessness. Without my friends and village to turn to, my marriage was also on full display this year.

Ya’ll I thought I had beaten these dragons already!  I bet by now you are seeing how difficult it could be to peacefully parent from this place missing this integrity inside myself.  And yet, I recognized the pattern and I am doing something differently!!!!!!

This is turning into a book. I am going to stop here so now that means you get to stay tuned for part two of: How I got my Roar Back…..

Wonder and Grief

Ben Jackson Sheep in Heart Formation: Tribute to his Aunt Debby

My child is one of my most gifted teachers.  Not because he’s extraordinary, rather his gifts lay in his relationship to the ordinary.  My child is young enough to still have wonder informing his everyday world.  Over the past week I have been consciously witnessing his relationship to grief and how this relates to his sense of wonder.  They are so clearly interrelated in him.

This wasn’t a random choice to watch both of these parts of his childhood.  I’ve been studying/practicing grief for three years as a conscious reclaiming of this portion of my being human that was demonized in a combined effort by my protestant family, my own midwestern culture where I grew up and also by phony modern spiritualism.  I live in a culture that has no room for grief.  Grief requires a slowing that the machines of capitalism haven’t the time to afford.  Grief requires community and the more isolated we become in modern culture, the more difficult the high watch, a sacred beholder is to find.  Deep grief is not a job to take on alone.  Now you may ask why practice grief?  That sounds like a miserable way to start the day.  Lets focus instead on our high vibration emotions!!!!  I dare you to find grief on the emotional vibrancy charts. I am going to say this flat out: emotional vibration charts are actual fake bullsh*t AND they do damage to the practice of being human by assigning native emotions comparative values and then ranking them. This is utterly absurd. If you need more help understanding this please read Rumi, The Guest House.  

Grief is one of the most holy things we get to feel and experience as human beings.  As Martín Prechtal says, “Grief is praise.”  When we grieve the ones that are no longer here, we are praising the life and love they gave us, the places they touched our lives.  When we stop and allow the grief of war or environmental damage to touch us, we begin to mobilize for change.  If we stuff it down with dopamine distractions (scrolling, alcohol, more work), we miss the opportunity to live fully.   Grief makes room in our bodies for both wonder and for creative action.  And yes there is discomfort to grief.  As Shanti Zimmerman teaches without discomfort and a solid relationship to it, we will find ourselves stuck in adolescence just scrambling from one high vibe feeling to the next never finding actual maturity despite our aging.  A true elder and any child knows this is not the way to live a fully rich and informed life.  Malidoma Somé teaches that the Dagara keep the young children and the elders closely together in community in the village.  He talks of barely speaking with his father during early childhood because what would be the point?  A grown man, working, in the prime of his life is simply too busy to understand a child the way a patient and listening elder could.  It was his grandfather that was his closest ally.  The two ends of the most spiritually aware spectrum, those that have just entered from the spirit realm to those about to make their way out to spirit really get each other. Both have potential to fully understand the value of grief and wonder in our world.

I am grateful at 45 I have had this year to slow down and witness my child.  It is through my child that I realized that his ability to sense and move with grief is part of what is informing his sense of wonder.  New Mexico is a beautiful place to live and there is intense poverty, crime and complications from the ready distribution of methamphetamines. My child notices every, single human being in desolation.  He takes them in.  Sometimes he cries.  He reminds me to feel this.  He reminds me to feel the disparity in our world.  We were recently in Española and a young tattered man asked us for a brownie.  He didn’t ask for cash.  He simply said, “I am so hungry. Will you buy me a brownie?” J looked at me with total clarity that said we are going into Starbucks where he was standing and buying him one.  I talked with my child for a bit about the situation as tears quietly streamed down his face.  Oh how I wanted to take that pain away. Not only for J’s sakes but because for me as an adult the wave of the world’s disparity came crashing down on me in beholding this one hungry human being and my child’s attentive grief. We try to stop our children’s grief because we are uncomfortable with our own.  The deep well of grief from living 45 years in a world that gives no sh*ts about the poor and homeless hit me hard.  I do not cry and take in every single homeless person I encounter.  I do not always let the sadness touch me nor inform me.  I feel discomfort, yes but I do not always let that discomfort move as grief nor do I always move to action.  I spend much of my life grief constipated. The story I tell myself is, how would I get through my day crying all the time?  I am barely surviving all the things I must do.  This is classical German farmer mentality and serves capitalism beautifully.  This exact same dangerous thought moves through me and prevents me from sensing and meeting my grief at many other personal levels as well.  

There is an open-heartedness to wonder.  Without allowing my heart to open to grief, I am closing myself to wonder.  Anything I am avoiding feeling is simply dragging behind me in my day to day life and siphoning my creative energy.   

Today I am pausing to notice.  Today am I am choosing to practice grief and wonder.  A beautiful friend has a simple daily practice in which she names two things worthy of grief and blesses them with a few drops of salt water.  I am joining with her in solidarity today. 

Today I grieve for the homeless in my town. 
Today I grieve for the disrespect for the Earth. 

May my heart stay open even when I face the uncomfortable truths of my existence so that through my willingness to grieve my sense of wonder and praise is able to continue inform my life. 

https://www.thepoetryexchange.co.uk/the-guest-house-by-rumi

https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/330400/ritual-by-malidoma-patrice-some/

https://www.being-shanti.com/about

https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/246885/the-smell-of-rain-on-dust-by-martin-prechtel/

Proud Bunny

art credit Fiona Gill

Within patriarchy, I am vulnerable.  I live in an assigned female at birth body and I cis identify as a woman.  My pronouns are she and her.  I absolutely hate that these simple facts make me vulnerable.  I have attempted over the years to pretend I was not prey.  In my 20s, I liked to imagine that I was in fact a powerful wolf on the hunt myself (likely after reading Women who Run with the Wolves the first time and not really understanding any of it).  I taught myself how to grab predators by the throat and rip out their jugulars.  And for some reason after these fights, I always felt more bloodied and utterly devastated myself.  This result was because in reality I was a bunny attacking wolves!  A ferocious little beautiful bunny, yet I was still a bunny and I am lucky that I only ended up being raped and not killed by the US Marines that discovered me traveling alone in this mindset.  I could have easily been left for dead on a highway in Baja and no one would have known for a long time.  This was never a fair fight because I went into this interaction with these two highly trained men naively thinking we were on equal footing.  I was not thinking like a little bunny because I completely refused to believe I was one.  I saw wolves, two wolves, and no kidding, I thought in my naïve bunny head, I got this.  Run away didn’t even occur to me until it was very much too late.  

Now bunnies have excellent sensory function and fast legs for a reason.  They are prey animals.  Within patriarchy, women are prey.  And, in my youth refusing to own the totality of my vulnerability cost me dearly.  I thought if I simply refused to believe myself prey, I no longer would be. How I wish simply believing ourselves safe could be the solution to the hostility and murder of women worldwide. Now in my 40s I despise the fact that I am still culturally prey 20 years later. And that over the past 20 years, another generation of women younger than me are now forced to reckon with this same gross reality.  Though much wiser than I once was, I awoke today prey in the current state of patriarchal affairs and it drives me nuts.  What do I do with this knowledge?

I am certain other feminists would vomit in their mouths if asked to think of themselves as bunnies.  The word bunny applied to a woman immediately conjures up the Playboy mansion and its years of condoned abuse.  There are good reasons it is extremely uncomfortable to think of ourselves as prey.  Why it is important to teach our daughters, sons and inter children this patriarchal story of prey and predator is because only in recognizing and admitting that this horrendous tale continues today is there any hope of changing the story and the outcomes.

So as much as I really don’t love it:  Today, I am standing fully in loving awareness and proud of my bunny wisdom.  I am a listening long-eared soft and tender critter who was given these articulate senses for a reason.  Yes, I have teeth and I have fast legs that are always going to be wayyyyyy more likely to keep me alive spiritually, physically, mentally than my teeth.  I give myself full permission to move away from ANYTHING that feels unsafe to me.  This is my elder bunny wisdom.  I don’t love being prey and yet I get to know and own the vulnerability that I am.

AND, I’m going to keep fighting for the possibility of moving beyond being prey in my lifetime for myself, for you and for your children. I would love the opportunity to get to playfully and safely be any assortment of selves.

Today my prayer is specifically this:  May all women be free.  May all women know peace in our bodies.  May all women move in complete physical, mental and emotional safety in my lifetime.  

The Mirror

Copyright SNL

I was recently asked by someone I trust to gaze into a mirror and sense what I see there and to create, write, draw from the experience. I have done versions of this exercise over the years with different groups and each time I immediately start laughing as my mind heads straight to the safety of an old Stuart Smalley Saturday Night Live skit where he sits poised in front of the mirror affirming, “I’m good enough.  I’m smart enough and doggone it, people like me.”  It still makes me laugh because like all good humor it helps me safely traverse into a core space where I am not fully comfortable.  Humor can be a safe and excellent vehicle to ride into bumpy unconscious territory.  However, the place of growth and the deeper work of comedy requires that we stay for a moment in the place where the laugh touches us.  

Historically, my reflection has taken me for such unpleasant rides that the new house in ABQ simply doesn’t have a full length mirror.  So when I was invited to this exercise I immediately felt great relief because guess who’s 1950s medicine cabinet mirror stops at her neck?  Thus far my hair and my face/neck have been a relatively safe place to see.  I will occasionally stop and ponder the gray hairs and the newly forming desert wrinkles but then somehow I can just laugh and say,”This is what a desert witch looks like!”  And that’s enough to stop the meanness in its tracks.  South of my neck things get a lot harder and the stories get nastier.  I know in my heart that not one of these narratives I am utilizing to hurt myself is mine.  No child is born thinking this way.  I have been programmed.  I am immersed in that programming of self hatred on the daily. Patriarchy and capitalism both depend greatly upon women hating themselves.  This way we are easier to control and to sell unnecessary treatments, products, clothing, diets etc.  If you doubt me read the following from Research and Markets:

The global market for weight loss products and services should grow from $254.9 billion in 2021 to reach $377.3 billion by 2026, at a compound annual growth rate (CAGR) of 8.2% during the forecast period of 2021-2026.

As an investor this may help you know where to put some of your money over the next few years.  As a woman, this fact ought to open your eyes up to what is happening and why it is so hard to look at ourselves naked.  Our culture perpetuates self hatred as a commodity.   If you think weight loss products are about health, reach out to me so we can discuss that lie.  They’re not.  Awareness, intuition, clarity, self loving are the products/sources of actual health and it is a precious few folks who will sell you the treasure maps to get to these sacred places because each of these makes you less vulnerable to outside control.

In continuation of my work on the Norse Goddesses, this moon I am currently studying the goddess/valkyrie Eir and it is within her battlefield surgical clarity that I choose to bravely meet my reflection, below my neck.  I recognize today the complex social war on my ability to love my body and myself fully.  I am more fired up than ever to reclaim my birthright, my body EXACTLY as she is this day.  

I am beautiful.  I’m good enough.  And doggone it, people like me.  I choose me. 

(my secret hope is that you choose you too)

Happy Valentine’s. Show YOUR body some LOVE today. Tell her the truth. I’m going start doing the same.

Navigating the Edges of Intuitive Eating

Stock photo Dreamstime

I woke this morning with this curiosity around the edges of my child’s eating.  Like many of you we use an intuitive model of feeding and eating ourselves.  We follow our child’s lead and expand what works and are thoughtful about what we bring into the house and work to set an example through our own food relationships.  Children’s texture tolerances typically grow developmentally with age and in alignment with their temperament.  Trying new food is a risk and some kids are simply going to be those adults who look at food risk and think nope.  They will have a smaller array of palate and there is nothing wrong with this when it is balanced with nutritional awareness.  So understand when I say navigating the edge, I don’t mean pushing a kid towards a culturally or familial idealized variety of eating.  I mean exactly this, staying curious.

What I noticed and why I am writing today is this:  I had retreated from the edge of my child’s eating.  As the head chef in our home, I had pulled back from the edges of variety because it was safe and I simply lacked energy to face the apprehensive, “Mom what is this?”  Any chef will tell you, seeing someone joyfully ravishing your food is worth all the gold in the world.  And when someone, even your own child acts like what you’ve cooked is poison, as a food artist this hurts at a level.  

So what I am wondering is this:  What if I can pull up and out of my need to please and occasionally (likely not every night or there will be a riot), offer something he’s never seen? What if in choosing to make this a conscious and mindful choice for us both we could have an entirely different result than the past? And letting my child know this risk I am asking of him is actually MY need as an artist, not that there is something inherently wrong with his eating.  Any food artist knows that cooking the same menu all the time gets BORING and a burnout can happen. 

So today I stand in this current truth:  As a mother, I have as much responsibility at my child’s edges as I do at his comfort level.    Rich and complex human interrelating requires knowledge of both these territories and the wobbly spaces in between.  I can tell you in even considering this experiment, there is a growing excitement in me as to what foods/dishes will represent this edge.

Readiness on the Pelvic Floor Journey

I am writing today from a camp chair at a folding table in my New Mexico kitchen.  My life has become nomadic and deliciously lighter in many ways.  However, this new material lightness doesn’t always lend itself to the cozy writing spots I was once used to, nor the lovely gaps of alone time where I could gather my thoughts  The homeschooling child sleeps and so I have cultivated this sweet, quiet space for you and I… 

Know it is warm in my kitchen today despite the snow falling outside and I have poured us a cup of tea.  As you imagine sitting here with me today may the tenderness surrounding us touch you.  I woke up early because I want to open up into the honesty of the timing of my choice to begin pelvic floor physical work.  This was not an easy choice for my body. In simply making the appointment to work with my own pelvic floor with a physical therapist so much energy in the form of memory began to move in my body.  And in that movement of memory/grief/fear it became quickly clear to me why I have chosen to wait for this exact moment to enter this form of healing work.  This choice has been years in the making and preparations, nearly a decade to be exact.

The timing of entering pelvic floor work matters.  Adding another human being to the mix on this journey is a HUGE step especially for survivors. As much as I would have loved for my healing to move much faster, deep, lasting healing cannot be rushed.  The body unfolds from trauma in its own time and as a human with this one life to live, healing time can feel extremely slow and the subtle changes invisible to my hurried eye.  I trust though, my body knows exactly what she is doing and over the past decade, I can see the shifts and sense her healing from the inside out.  

When one is contemplating pelvic floor work there are some important considerations.  May this short list help you decide on your timing or help you in the creation of your own readiness tool.  Each body is so unique.  Know that your readiness may require different pillars of support. It is in the recognizing of what I need, the magic happens.  Dr. Julie Von has a wonderful exercise she utilizes in helping folks find what they need as their foundation of wellness.  As women living within patriarchy sometimes the hardest question we can ask ourselves is, “What do I need?” These pillars once identified consciously are more able to help hold and support us as we facilitate our own healing.  I am applying the what are my pillars tool here in discovering what I need to move forward with this next step in my healing journey.   

  1. space, time and financial resources
  2. trusted/vetted facilitator be that a Pelvic floor PT, osteopath, Cranial Sacral/Myofascial, Priestess, sex therapist etc. 
  3. community/professional/partner support
  4. nervous system readiness

As an osteopathic physician that works with women at this stage of pelvic floor healing, I am now even more aware of the healing value of readiness that this journey requires.  I am so lucky today to be able to see the sacred timing.  Wherever you are on your healing journey, know I believe in you and your body.  This work matters.  And, the timing is all yours.

Recommended movement music to for this writing:

You Can’t Rush Healing by Trevor Hall

Rest and Digest: Celebrating a new Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving holiday was emotionally the safest and neurologically the longest parasympathetic stretch of my entire life.  I am the calmest and most grounded in my body I have ever been following this particular holiday.  The people that were allowed to gather near me this week created love sharing similar values.  Mostly, my time was spent with my son and my husband that I adore so deeply it goes beyond any written words.  I allowed myself to be cared for by myself and others.  Yesterday, I napped hard and would occasionally awaken and watch my husband clean our home as we prepared together for emerging from our nest back into the wide world.  I left last night and went to soak alone for 30 minutes in hot water and did not even consider taking my phone with me.  This is new.  So much is new as I close this holiday weekend that writing felt necessary for true integration.  This was not the adrenal-addled Thanksgiving of years past due to my own HARD decisions and emotional growth.

As a child of abuse my synapses were wired from infancy in fight or flight.  My biological father used a shotgun inside our house in rage.  Later he tried to kill my mother by cutting her brake lines and I lived through his violent presence in our home and my brain/body remembered. My mother was the child of an alcoholic and her transgenerational programming of neglect and abuse instructed my nervous system as well. My birth was her failed 16 year old escape plan from her family of origin. The repetition of abusive relationships shifted and changed over the years for both my mother and myself but only this year was I finally able to find clarity and truly cut from the web of the abuse of my childhood.  

I came into utter clarity this year and was forced to let go of both of my parents after I witnessed the abuse of my mother in my home.   

The patterns of abuse within my mother and step father’s relationship were less obvious than a shotgun being fired in the house and yet, the patterns and neurological impact were still there.  My clarity is this, the patterns of abuse ends with me. This cycle ends with me, mostly for the health and well-being of my own child and now I realize for the health of my of own neurology. Since distancing myself from both of my parents, living in my body feels very different and there has been so so much grief. Because of my growing clarity I bravely stood up immediately to witnessed abuse this past September and asked my step dad to leave my home. What ensued was scary and hurtful AND predictable behavior from an abusive person. AND, I stood strong in my clarity despite many attempts by my mother to smooth this over.

You can do all the work on yourself imaginable and if you still allow persons utilizing abuse in your presence, the cycle will continue. It gets extremely tricky when an abusive person is your parent or step parent.  I miss my mom every single day.  We were extremely close and talked daily AND I now see how her adult decisions are continuing to support this pattern of abuse.  Now we share only a few words once a week as I do not want to continue to enable her.  I do not miss my step father.  Over the past few months, I have been able to see more clearly the impact his unchecked abuse has had on our family over the past 30 years.  This week I received my last text from him and I finally blocked him from my cell phone.  Prior to making this choice I was able to tell him in utter clarity that I was afraid of him and no longer desired a relationship with him. 

Writing this blog is terrifying and cathartic as I have spent so much energy covering up for my family over the years.  It has been my job to pretend everything was ok when it never really was.  I was asked to call this man Dad when he never actually was a father to me.  I tried desperately as a teen to create something out of absolutely nothing because it was what I was given.  Today I consciously call that energy home.  I no longer need a father like I once did.  I am no longer the scared and lonely child I once was.  

I am whole. I am loved unconditionally and deeply. I consciously create my own safety and care.

I write today because I know with certainty that others spent the holidays with folks who may not be good for their nervous systems.  I write this because I want to continue to remind MYSELF that as grown ADULTS, we have a choice, always in who we stand closest to.  As children we have none and this helplessness can spread unconsciously into adulthood if we do not examine our choices.  

Nothing has been particularly easy about the choices I have made this year AND like many of the hard choices in life, the results are worth it. I choose to love my parents deeply from a distance that reflects their actual behaviors rather than an idealized child’s dream of an intact family. I embrace my clarity consciously again and again until it become habitual. And, in this choice I can come home, truly home within myself.

Screen Time Boundaries

For those parenting older children, you are putting the finishing touches on Generation Z.  Those of us with younger children are parenting what is now known to cultural scientists as Generation Alpha.  Generation Z was the first group of children to be raised their entire lifetimes with access to both the internet and handheld technology.  This generation’s brains have codeveloped immersed within technology.  Humans are adaptive and our brains are quite dynamic for shaping to any given environment.  There are folks that argue this technological reality has been to our cultural and mental benefit (Scientific America). Certainly the isolation of COVID would have looked entirely different without virtual connection. However, beyond this debate of whether tech is inherently good or bad for us, what I am most interested in as a parent and as a pediatrician is this:  How do I teach and model for my child the internal boundaries required for maintaining a healthy relationship with screen time? 

As a concierge pediatrician, I am oncall nearly 365 days a year and have been for five years now.  This requires that my phone be available to me at all times, particularly during the daytime hours when my child is awake and witnessing my behavior.  Though this is a work requirement, needing to check my phone for texts and calls sets me up for a dangerous relationship with my phone. Moreover with more addictive phone apps that have been programmed to grab my attention, I can become entirely lost to those around me. I had to remove both the Facebook and TikTok app from my phone.  From my child’s perspective, I am on my phone constantly.  This is what I have been modeling for years and there are consequences to this modeling. Over the past few months I have begun to make radical shifts.  I now have clinical help that affords me three to four day stints in the mountains without my phone in my hand.  I check my phone less habitually due to this new clinical support system.  I am still very present for my clients and more so for myself and my own family. This change has happened over years and represents my mature internal boundary systems at work, SLOWLY over time.  Internal boundaries have to be nurtured and respected in ourselves and then we can begin to teach our children.  They take patience and time to develop.  Children are not born mature.  To expect their brains to be and act like ours is fallacy.  J frequently likes to point out, Mom I am a kid!  I truly forget sometimes that he is only nine years old. 

So what are internal boundaries?  At the simplest definition this is the resulting clarity of our internal yes and no.  For MANY people this part of themselves either never had the chance to fully form and/or due to trauma was lost or muddled with the help of the dysfunctional adults around us. Any toddler knows a true yes and a true no.  This is part of what makes them such a tough crowd!  The loss of our embodied yes and no is the flag that marks the spots of transgenerational trauma.  Say what now?  I know.  This may feel like a HUGE jump for some of you but for those of you that have done boundary work, you are nodding with me. 

Screen time comes down to boundaries.  Ideally for your child these will be cultivated from the inside out.   Turning screen time into a war zone and a battle of wills is exhausting for all involved.  It also has a tendency to hurt rather than nurture the parent-child relationship.  Now, does this mean that I hand a seven year old a tablet and walk away? No, not at all.  I mention this because how much of our children’s screen time are we actually present for?  How many times have I thought, ok I can meet with this client and my kiddo can just watch a show.  The screen has become a babysitter, a break, a moment to catch our breaths as mothers living in a patriarchal society in which frankly we aren’t afforded the support that we need for our own work.  As mothers we have to fight for a moment to breathe and have two consecutive uninterrupted thoughts.  It was 5:30a when I got up to write this article.  It is the ONLY waking quiet I have during the day.  I am certain I am not alone in this and so, the screen becomes our maternal relief. This investigation has revealed the tip of the iceberg and the deeper issues such as our continued cultural lack of maternal support have become visible. This “screen time” issue is so beyond at how many minutes do I set the screen locks.

So what do we do for now?  I get to embrace my child’s journey into embodiment and to help him find his true yes and true no, his internal compass.  And yep, as a mature, embodied parent I do get to act as guide.  I love Shanti Zimmerman’s boundary work and she says that as a parent I provide reference points.  This is very differently than swooping in and imposing a view on someone.  Yes, I have lived longer and have some hard-earned wisdom and maturity to convey.  And most importantly, I get to model my internal boundaries again, and again for Julien to come to a true understanding of how to be a healthy, embodied and present human being.  Whether it is screen time, driving a car, relationships, nutrition, sleep behaviors it will always be more of what we are actually modeling than what is coming out of our mouths.  And what I love about an embodied, boundaried kid is…he isn’t afraid to tell me when I am living/being/acting outside of my own boundaries.

So the first questions I ask myself when my kiddo and I begin to argue about screen time are these:  

  1. How present have I been to him today?  
  2. Is there a need he is attempting to fill through the screen that I can help with, ie missing his friends, feeling lonely, feeling bored?

Typically these questions are enough to get us started down a healthy path of collaborative communication.  

If you’re interested in our screen time specifics currently (this is absolutely dynamic) and likely will have nothing to do with what your particular kid needs…and you can get a feel for what we are doing:

He currently plays video games only on the weekend unless traveling into the mountains which the lack of wifi/signal will mess this sacred time up and so we adjust to travel.  The weekend play is dependent on friends being virtually available as this is his only social life as we are living in a different state homeschooling currently.  The weekend play is far more screen time than he has ever been allowed in his entire life but we monitor it closely and watch for the place where the play starts to lose it luster and he mentally shifts. This requires us to stay present.  If Dad is available he will often play as well to help monitor behaviors and for comradery. My kiddo can’t see all of this internally yet as he’s nine years old.  There is a slow and steady neurological process/awareness at work.  At this point when we see him start to break down (externally visible through speech, movements) we begin coaching and offering alternatives and recommending the end of screen time.  Saying out loud what we are physically noticing in him we help him notice.  There is an off ramp to the video game time that is often ugly and not a lot of fun that lasts for 30min to 1 hr (neurology resetting to real life) AND requires my FULL PRESENCE.  I used to panic in this phase thinking he was going to have permanent damage but now I get that it is a natural transition phase from the intense neurological effects of gaming.  It passes.  Then he’s fine and ready for a real life adventure.  Clearly, this is a LOT of work on our end and I truly believe this is what it takes for him to really get it. 

He earns his daytime/weekday shows through his homeschool work.  Savvy folks recognize this as an external motivator/validation AND it works too and helps me have the energy to remain present after a full day of homeschool!!!!  Internal boundaries/motivation will always win in the end AND it is ok to use external motivation as well as a parent.  The most important thing is that your kid learns the difference between these motivators and knows when they are acting upon them. 

None of this is easy really. It takes my presence and a lot of my time for him to utilize screen time in a healthy way. He’s awake now! And watching The Simpsons and so I better wrap this up.

Love and tenderness to you as you journey with screen use in your own life and that of your kiddos.

-Heather Kim, DO

Let’s Talk about Sex (before it’s too late)

As many of you know reproductive rights have moved from the quiet shadows of conversations out into the wide open these past weeks, especially in Texas. I am grateful to see the attempts at repression resulting in a sisterhood of backlash in which women are beginning to drop the decades of shame that have saddled their lives and bodies. In telling their stories out loud, healing is happening at a profound level. My passion for women’s rights has been ignited and burns with such an intensity, my heart now glows visible from miles away. As a pediatrician it has been hard to figure out where my energy will be best utilized in this fight against patriarchy as I am not an obstetrician nor a lawyer and so my “frontline” is going to look more like a flank. My responsibility today is family education and preventative care.

Sex education in Texas schools at this time is extremely restrictive (abstinence curriculum only) and leaves the responsibility of actual sex education on the parents of these children. This is wonderful in some ways as I don’t want an anti LGBTQ nut in the Texas school system teaching my child a single thing about sex. The problem is this, not all kids have a parent around to feed and supervise them let alone sit down and have an awkward sex conversation. Not all parents know how a menstrual cycle works, their own fertility windows etc. Also, denial is an all too common coping strategy when it comes to teens and sexual activity and when utilized it is dangerous for all involved.

Average age for onset of sexual intercourse in the United States is 17 years. Firstly as 17 years is the reported average, mathematically it means some of these kids younger than 17 are sexually active. Ask your teacher friends if you want to really be horrified. I also want to be crystal clear, as a wise woman I don’t think a 14 year old has the spiritual capacity for intercourse nor its consequences. I am not pro young kids doing MANY of the things that they get up to and yet as a pediatrician and a trusted mother I get to be a real and a safe place for them to land when they get off course. In the state of Texas right now sexual education is paramount and could truly be life saving. It is critical for parents of children 14 years and up to create a reproductive sexuality box and GIVE it to their child.* You want the child to have the box and to store it where they choose. It is none of your business once teaching is complete and handed over UNLESS your child comes to you. Some children will, and some will not. Children need that privacy and autonomy to use this box correctly. Understand, owning a hammer doesn’t mean I need to immediately go out and build a house. However before I do build a house I need to practice swinging a hammer, yes? This is about having the tools. This is about opening the conversations and showing your kids what is out there to PROTECT them and their friends. Abstinence is great. Waiting until marriage is also a great recommendation. Just know reality is this, 95% of Americans have sex before marriage. Raising a child without a partner is hard AF. If you are the mother of a daughter right now, the reality of patriarchy is this, the majority of this responsibility financially and emotionally will fall on you and your daughter’s shoulders. It is not fair nor right AND we get to be REAL about what things are like currently as we work toward change.

Teen Sexuality Preparedness Box

  1. Tampons/pads
  2. Condoms
  3. Water based lubricant
  4. Plan B
  5. Pregnancy Tests

Now the hard part. You cannot just give this stuff to a 14 year old without discussing what each tool is and how to use them. If this conversation is horrifying to you or you don’t feel like your understanding of the menstrual cycle and human reproduction are the strongest then I highly recommend the Unitarian Universalist OWL program. What I like about OWL is that they have classes for all ages and are inclusive and open. There are many other resources online and local sex educators will be free to comment and add links to what they offer. Also I am happy to help anyone with this topic for FREE. Please just reach out directly via the contact link.

These five are for ALL genders. This box does NOT change for boys, girls or other folx. So why tampons and pads? This is a gateway to talking about the menstrual cycle. Giving guys tampons helps demystify them and makes them that guy that is willing to go to the store to buy them for his girlfriend. Understanding the menstrual cycle empowers kids to know when they or their partner is most fertile. Condoms are a no brainer. It is the teen chosen tool of protection, wisely preventing both pregnancy and minimizing spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Put large amount of different brands of condoms. Share and trade with Mom/Dad friends. I would love to see teen parents getting together, sipping wine and joyfully building these boxes as a village. Give kids enough condoms that they can play and practice with them. Again swinging the hammer so that when it comes time to build, I know what I’m doing. These boxes are gender neutral. As much as young men need tampons and pads women need condoms. They get to know how to use them. Condom play is a phenomenal way to keep your teen healthy. The famous banana demonstration is great and there is nothing like giving a kid extra condoms and letting them work out the best way for them to get it on and off. Grasping the base of condom as one exits a sexual encounter is a skill and an important part of the discussion so that they don’t simply dump the contents into their partner. Water based lubricant is crucial in this kit. They can use this for healthy masturbation and water based lube is critical to keeping a condom intact. Oil based lubricants destroy condoms are often the easiest household type item kids will grab mistakenly. Make sure your kids know the difference between oils and water based lubricant and how to read labels. These same kids will leave for college soon and you want them ready! Plan B is a must in the teen box because condoms break, they can be slid off incorrectly especially with a newer user, and in a moment of passion, they can be forgotten all together. Plan B is available OTC and can also be found on Amazon. Check your expiration dates when they arrive. Make a note of the expiration date in your phone calendar/reminder and if your child hasn’t asked for another, just replace when expires. Plan B is a large dose of progesterone that blocks ovulation/implantation and works much like oral birth control. It will not abort a pregnancy that is already there. This is why it is critical that it be given immediately following a condom failure. This is why it is important to have the medication on hand as timing is key to the success of it use. The later it is given, the less efficacy this medication has. The package will say up to 72 hours but again every minute counts towards better efficacy. Pregnancy tests can be purchased at the Dollar Tree and help children know when they need immediate help. Teach kids WHEN to start testing. I would place at least 3-4 in the kit. And make sure that your child knows what a positive pregnancy test looks like and that it means you need trusted adult help immediately.

I hope this helps you get started and gives you ideas on how to help advocate for the continued health of your kids. Please reach out through the contact portion of the website with any private questions or in the comments if you think it will help others!

*see OWL link for age appropriate resources for younger children education ie naming body parts etc. Also know your child and their friends. Peers are a powerful influence. If you get wind through your 13yro of sexual activity in their class, give them the box!

Top 5 Ways to Co Exist with a Viral Load

****This article is not intended as medical advice. I am happy to schedule a telemed for anyone who needs personalized preventative care at this time. Most supplements in pregnancy are to be avoided. Please discuss their use with your midwife/physician

I have very limited time to write today but I woke up in Texas during the Delta wave with utter clarity that I need to teach folks how to find harmony with viruses. I am not sure that the general public knows that there are critical portions of our health that need to be considered beyond simply the vaccine available to us. Although Pfizer tech is moving in my body, I STILL have more work to do to stay healthy in the surge.

How many times have you been to the doctor and they say it’s just a virus and there is nothing we can do? From their perspective this is true. AND, developing immunity to viruses in our environment is key to us living in harmony with the smallest creatures among us. However, as most of you reading my blog know there are actually loads of options open to us to help the body navigate and prevent full on take over.

  1. Nutrition status
  2. Rest
  3. Supplements
  4. Inflammation status
  5. Listen to your body

For some of you wise ones, just reading this list will gently remind you, ok yes I know what to do. For some of you, you will read this list and think F I have let things slide a bit. It’s ok. I slide too. It is part of ease! As awareness arrives again, we begin again!

1. Nutrition Status

This will look unique for every single body. There is not one particular diet that I recommend. HOWEVER, simple carbs (white carbs/processed foods) and simple sugars are the devil to the immune system. The way they act on the body is related to our inflammation status. They cause oxidative stress on our systems. Basically this means that they cause small fires in the body. COVID can cause a forest fire in certain immune systems. You do not want little fires already burning when it arrives. Vit C, D and Zinc are critical to healthy immune function. If your diet is not rich in these or your digestion isn’t strong, I highly recommend supplementing these.

2. Rest

My prayer is that each of us have learned the value of rest. In my mind this is what COVID came to teach us. No more working ourselves to death for nothing. To put an end to the over scheduling of both ourselves and our children. There is NO healing without ease. Our immune system only functions optimally when it has the space and resources to do so. If you are continuing to give yourself away and hold nothing back for yourself, this will be a more difficult illness. If you get away with it this time, another lesson will come. As a society, we must learn how to create more ease in us and around us. It is the only path to healing our bodies and the planet that supports us.

3. Supplements

For each of you this category will look unique! For my body I use both olive leaf extract and Ban Lan Gen (Hawaii Pharmacy brand). The reason I use these two particular antivirals is that they are both have anti inflammatory effects as well. My body has a tendency toward the small stress fires I described above. There are many more out there. Each virus requires distinct antivirals. There are ongoing studies on both of these supplements for their effectiveness in supporting the immune system during COVID. I discovered olive leaf research when I was in residency as it was being studied in the treatment of HIV. Ban Lan Gen came to me later as a T cell balancing herb from TCM and later I discovered the MANY viral illnesses that it has been found effective against. It is an herb that must be given early as it effects viral replication. Where as olive leaf is actually being studied in COVID ICU patients that are already deathly ill. Most likely this stems from the powerful anti-inflammatory effects of olive leaf.

4. Inflammation Status

So if you’re a person that knows they shouldn’t be eating bread or dairy, now is the time to tighten up the reins a bit. Our baseline inflammation status is related to both our nutritional status/gut health, our genetics and our lived trauma. Our nervous system and our immune system are tightly woven together. You may have thought this was going to be a paragraph on NSAIDs… maybe just for a moment. Remember initially when COVID broke and there was that strange relationship between increased death and ibuprofen usage? NSAIDs overly used are actually immunosuppressive. Delicate use of NSAIDs is a beautiful thing but overuse is what I most typically see. Parents afraid of fever, discomfort end up overloading themselves or their children with unnecessary medications. COVID has been a wonderful entry point for teaching the value of fever! This to say, if you know you may be coming down with COVID do NOT be tempted to take fistfuls of Advil. As an adult a baby aspirin may be a better choice (still not for kids!) to help take the edge off the discomfort. Very few children run high fevers with COVID and I do not recommend the use of ibuprofen for them either.

Instead again olive leaf, quercetin, turmeric, ginger, garlic, green juices (if you have the digestive strength), bone broth, alkaline water, avoid dairy/gluten, avoid simple carbs, avoid processed foods

I would not take all of these at once. I live on some of these because of baseline autoimmune issues. I swear by food. Yes supplements are fast and easy but a yummy turmeric ginger soup made with love will both nourish you and provide you the biochemical support you need! Cooking slows us down as well. This is particularly true when we stop to make food from scratch. Obviously if you have COVID you won’t feel much like cooking for a few days but DO ALLOW OTHERS TO COOK and drop off homemade foods FOR YOU!!!!!!

5. Listen to your body

I was initially so clear that the mRNA vaccine wasn’t for me due to my health issues. And I waited 6 months and held a clear NO, against so much cultural pressure as a physician. In June something changed. It was clear as day. Like a bell went off. My body asked for a booster (I had already had very mild native disease ~a year prior). I had been following what was happening in India, knew the required travel that was coming for my family this year and it became clear I was going to need some western magic to support me as the next surge hit. I am so happy I listened. For some of you the vaccine is still a heck no for your body. I support this. I will always support embodied awareness and medical choice. Unlike the media thinks, I know we are not all immunologically the same. It may not be for you. If it isn’t, please do all the things you know how to do to be ready to be with this virus. There will be no hiding this time and we CAN be READY!!!!!!

I love each of you and pray for your continued vibrant health in this surge.